The VICE Etiquette Guide for Straight People in Gay Bars, by Brian Moylan
One of the great things about the hottest club in any town these days is that gay people are welcome. But with acceptance comes responsibility, and over the years homosexual partiers, like a bunch of hard-drinking Emily Posts, have had to learn the ins-and-outs of how to behave in a mostly-straight environment without pissing anyone off. It’s a straight man’s world, we’re just livin’ in it.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for straight people when attending a gay watering hole with their same-sex loving friends. We love having straight people hang out with us, we really do, but I’m going to break down the rules for the breeders who forget how to behave when there is a rainbow flag on the wall. For our purposes we’ll be talking about gay male bars, since lesbian bars, like pandas in the wild and good female acoustic folk acts, are harder and harder to find these days.
Your Vagina Has No Power Here
This is the most important lesson for all ladies to know before they step foot in a queer establishment (unless, of course, it is the fabled lesbian bar). Women are used to being let into clubs first, not having to pay a cover, served at the bar quickly, and basically allowed to do whatever the hell they want to do in straight bars. That’s because if there were no women, men wouldn’t spend money to get them fucked up and try to sleep with them. Everyone is catering to open the velvet ropes between a woman’s thighs. It is exactly the opposite in a gay bar. Women, while fun to have around, are practically invisible at a gay party. They have to wait for the one tiny restroom (which has probably been co-opted by boys and drag queens anyway), they don’t get to annoy the DJ to request songs, and the (probably shirtless) bartender is going to take their order last. Congrats, ladies, this is how men feel in straight bars. Now, you need to get used to it, no throwing fits and bitching and moaning because no one is going to put you on a pedestal (or let you dance on a go-go platform). Just deal with it for one night. You’re still pretty and special, even though no one is buying a drink and inviting you to the VIP room. No one wants to fuck you here, so you’re going to need to get the fuck over yourselves.
Lowering the Bar
Remember when I said we love it when straight people come to our bars? Well, that’s not always true. There are some bars we don’t want you to go to. They are usually bars where boys go late at night to make out with strangers and engage in a little slap and tickle in a dark corner. Do not go there. No matter what your friends say, there is no place for you at the Cock, or any establishment that is named after the male genitalia or something incredibly masculine like Rawhide, Truck, or Woody’s. Boys who like boys are going there to get laid, and babysitting straight people is not conducive to scoring dick. When your friends show up there, it’s time to go get a piece of pizza and hail a cab home. Also, leave anyplace called The Eagle alone, unless you really want to see a bunch of bears in harnesses and other leather gear giving you the stank eye while grinding each others’ jock straps.